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WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN … HUMOR

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was ‘DON’T! ‘

‘Don’t what ?’ Adam replied.

‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!’

‘ No Way ! ‘

‘Yes way! ‘

‘Do NOT eat the fruit! ‘ said God.

‘Why? ‘

‘Because I am your Father and I said so ! ‘ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !

‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? ‘ God asked.

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you? ‘ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it! ‘ Adam said.

‘Did not ! ‘

‘Did too! ‘

‘DID NOT! ‘

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids..

They will choose your nursing home one day!


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PICKY EATERS – FUNNY

These Kids Just Won’t Eat What They’re Served

Every parent has been there – your child has at least one food thing he or she is very particular about, and no matter what you say or do, they simply won’t budge. Maybe they hate broccoli most kids, or perhaps they despise chocolate pudding, but your kids probably never had such particular gastronomic limitation as these 22 kids:


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FUNNY BUT POIGNANT INSIGHT INTO MEDICINE

A Short History of Medicine

2000 B.C. – "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. – "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. – "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. – "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. – "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. – "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

~Author Unknown


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PARENTING HUMOR

PARENTING QUOTES

”Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.”

Author: Sam Levenson

”Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.”

Author: John Wilmot

”It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.”

Author: Ben Bergor

”The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.”

Author: Evan Esar

”Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”

Author: Bob Thaves

”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.”

Author: Anonymous

”America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.”

Author: Anonymous

”By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

Author: Charles Wadsworth


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DOCTOR FUNNIES – 4

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted with a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect… Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!

PATIENT: When can I come and see you?
DOCTOR: How about next week.
PATIENT: And if I die by that time?
DOCTOR: Then you can always cancel the appointment.

If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor’s the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor’s way"

Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

Roman Lord of the Senate Cicero’s (106 – 43 BC) philosophy is still valid even today, for any country of our globe:

1. The poor: work and work,

2. The rich: exploit the poor,

3. The soldier: protects both,

4. The taxpayer: pays for all three,

5. The wanderer: rests for all four,

6. The drunk: drinks for all five,

7. The banker: robs all six,

8. The lawyer: misleads all seven,

9. The doctor: kills all eight,

10. The undertaker: buries all nine,

11. The Politician: lives happily on the account of all ten.

Source: Friends and Internet


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MODERN MEDICAL HUMOR

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor’s

* BFF – Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

* CUATSC – See You at the Senior Centre

* DWI – Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL – Living on Lipitor

* OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT – Texting on Toilet

* WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Source: Friends, Internet


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DOCTOR FUNNIES – 3

Medical Term What it Perhaps Means
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor’s cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumour One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you’re out

Source: Internet


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DOCTOR FUNNIES – 2

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what’s for dinner?"

Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

"James, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, PIZZA!"

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone hiding under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

How much do you charge?’

Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the expert.

I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so?’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs of my bed! Ain’t nobody under there anymore!’

Source: Friends and Internet


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PARENTING PERSPECTIVE: PENSIL VS ERASER

PENCIL AND ERASER

Pencil: I’m sorry….

Eraser: For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.

Pencil: I’m sorry because you get hurt because of me. Whenever I make a mistake, you’re always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That’s true. But I don’t really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I’ll be gone and you’ll replace me with a new one, I’m actually happy with my job.. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad.

I found this conversation between the pencil and the eraser very inspirational. Parents are like the eraser whereas their children are the pencil. They’re always there for their children, cleaning up their mistakes. Sometimes along the way parents get hurt, become smaller as they age and eventually pass away. But parents are always happy with what they do for their children and will never like seeing their precious ones worrying or sad.

Source: Author unknown


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DOCTOR FUNNIES – JOKES

Let me tell you about my doctor.

He’s very good!

If you tell him you want a second opinion,

He’ll go out and come in again.

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,

"Doctor, doctor! – my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let’s just wait and see what develops."

I remember one time I told my doctor

I had a ringing in my ears.

His advice: "Don’t answer it."

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,

He told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment,

Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

During A Visit To My Doctor, I Asked Him, "How Do You Determine Whether Or Not An Older Person Should Be Put In An Old Age Home?"

"Well," He Said, "We Fill Up A Bathtub, Then We Offer A Teaspoon, A Teacup And A Bucket To The Person To Empty The Bathtub."

"Oh, I Understand," I Said. "A Normal Person Would Use The Bucket Because It Is Bigger Than The Spoon Or The Teacup."

"No" He Said. "A Normal Person Would Pull The Drain Plug.

Do You Want A Bed Near The Window..?"

Source: Friends and Internet


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NEWS FLASH: DIAPERS GONE DIGITAL

Watch out parents: Diapers have gone digital. J

A company called Pixie Scientific has developed a new “smart” diaper capable of detecting urinary tract infections, kidney dysfunction and dehydration, according to the New York Times.

The diaper’s technology is relatively simple. A small patch at the front of the diaper contains four small, colored squares that each react differently when they come into contact with certain proteins, water content or bacteria. If an abnormal reaction occurs, the squares will change colors, signaling to parents that something might be off with their baby’s health, the New York Times reported.

Parents can also download an app, which can photograph the colored squares and give parents precise readings of their baby’s chemical data. That information can then be transmitted to a doctor, who will decide whether or not the baby needs to be examined further.

The diaper will be tested this September at the Benioff Children’s Hospital of the University of California, San Francisco. If all goes well, the product will be submitted for review by the Food and Drug Administration.

The founder of Pixie Scientific, Yaroslav Faybishenko, said he expects the high-tech diaper will cost about 30 percent more than non-digitized diapers. Faybishenko said he was inspired to develop the new technology by his own daughter. “I was driving with my wife and daughter one day, when my wife asked if the baby had wet herself,” Faybishenko told the New York Times. “I realized she was sitting in data.”

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/07/10/new-smart-diapers-track-babys-health-alert-parents/#ixzz2YfLOC7RN