Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was ‘DON’T! ‘

‘Don’t what ?’ Adam replied.

‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!’

‘ No Way ! ‘

‘Yes way! ‘

‘Do NOT eat the fruit! ‘ said God.

‘Why? ‘

‘Because I am your Father and I said so ! ‘ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !

‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? ‘ God asked.

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you? ‘ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it! ‘ Adam said.

‘Did not ! ‘

‘Did too! ‘

‘DID NOT! ‘

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids..

They will choose your nursing home one day!

EBOLA: 1

A Short History of Medicine

2000 B.C. – "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. – "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. – "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. – "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. – "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. – "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

~Author Unknown

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted with a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect… Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!

—

PATIENT: When can I come and see you?
DOCTOR: How about next week.
PATIENT: And if I die by that time?
DOCTOR: Then you can always cancel the appointment.

—

If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor’s the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor’s way"

—

Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

—

Roman Lord of the Senate Cicero’s (106 – 43 BC) philosophy is still valid even today, for any country of our globe:

1. The poor: work and work,

2. The rich: exploit the poor,

3. The soldier: protects both,

4. The taxpayer: pays for all three,

5. The wanderer: rests for all four,

6. The drunk: drinks for all five,

7. The banker: robs all six,

8. The lawyer: misleads all seven,

9. The doctor: kills all eight,

10. The undertaker: buries all nine,

11. The Politician: lives happily on the account of all ten.

—

Source: Friends and Internet

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor’s

* BFF – Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

* CUATSC – See You at the Senior Centre

* DWI – Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL – Living on Lipitor

* OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT – Texting on Toilet

* WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Source: Friends, Internet

Source: Internet

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what’s for dinner?"

Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

"James, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, PIZZA!"

—

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone hiding under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

How much do you charge?’

Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the expert.

I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so?’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs of my bed! Ain’t nobody under there anymore!’

—

Source: Friends and Internet

Let me tell you about my doctor.

He’s very good!

If you tell him you want a second opinion,

He’ll go out and come in again.

—

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,

"Doctor, doctor! – my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let’s just wait and see what develops."

—

I remember one time I told my doctor

I had a ringing in my ears.

His advice: "Don’t answer it."

—

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,

He told me to stop going to those places.

—

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment,

Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

—

During A Visit To My Doctor, I Asked Him, "How Do You Determine Whether Or Not An Older Person Should Be Put In An Old Age Home?"

"Well," He Said, "We Fill Up A Bathtub, Then We Offer A Teaspoon, A Teacup And A Bucket To The Person To Empty The Bathtub."

"Oh, I Understand," I Said. "A Normal Person Would Use The Bucket Because It Is Bigger Than The Spoon Or The Teacup."

"No" He Said. "A Normal Person Would Pull The Drain Plug.

Do You Want A Bed Near The Window..?"

—

Source: Friends and Internet